“But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside.” Job 23:10-11 (NLT)
This verse is from the Old Testament book of Job. Job was this dude that had a whole bunch of bad junk happen to him. You see, Satan thought he could cause Job to turn away from God, so he sent horrible events his way. Even though everyone thought Job had done something horrible in the eyes of God and that he was being punished and that he should go ahead and curse God and be done with it, Job thought differently. He knew that no matter what happened, even if he didn’t understand it, God loved Him. Therefore, he never gave up. He stayed strong. He persevered.
Given Job’s history, and all that he had lost, I love the fact that he didn’t doubt what he had done. He knew that he never compromised.
I wonder about my life. When God tests me, do I “come out as pure gold?” I think to be able to say “I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside,” at the end of my life would be an amazing accomplishment. I feel like these two verses are “life verse worthy”…you know what I mean? Sometimes people will ask “what’s your life verse?”--I never really know what to say. I have a lot of verses that I really like and many that would be great to live my life by, but isn’t the Bible full of verses like that? “I have followed his ways and not turned aside…” There’s the goal…
Reflections on a Loss...
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You know that saying “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” Well, I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately…
On Wednesday, February 4, my mom and my sister both called me after school. I knew immediately that something must be going on if both of them were calling back to back. In true “Jennifer” fashion, my cell phone was out of battery power, so I had to wait until I got in my car to call them back (so I could plug in my phone). Lindsay was the first person I got a hold of…she tells me, “I have some really bad news…” Of course, whenever you hear something like that, your mind starts racing. I’ve had these type of phone calls before…”Your dad’s in the emergency room with chest pains (aka two close proximity heart attacks)”…”Just wanted to let you know your Grandaddy’s in the hospital (aka he has a bleeding ulcer and will need multiple blood transfusions)”…”Your Grandma is going to be in the hospital for a while (aka she has a rare heart virus called endocarditis)”…None of these “bad” conversations began with the words “I have some bad news…” so, obviously, I’m freaking out. Then my sister asked me what I was doing. I told her I was in the car on my way home and she asked me if I wanted to call her back when I got home…To this I promptly said “Um…no…You need to tell me whatever it is now.” Lindsay went on to tell me that my uncle was found dead in his apartment…You could have knocked me over with a feather…to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean, he’s my uncle Mark. He’s not even that old (47)…how could he be dead…
Fast forward a few days…due to somewhat strange circumstances given his time of death and when he was actually found, it was difficult to get his body ready for burial…more than a week after his death, we had his funeral…definitely one of the saddest days I’ve experienced…just thinking about his girls and how they’re going to miss out on some of their best daddy years just made me really sad for them…not to mention his boys who are missing out on a really great pal…
Well, he was placed in his grave today, February 13, the day before Valentine’s Day. We still don’t really know what happened…it looks like we never will…I guess mysteries still do exist…
Now to my original quote at the start of this blog, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” Given this abrupt end to the life of my uncle Mark, I have had the occasion over the past few days to remember so much about him—things that I haven’t really thought about for a long time. You see, my aunt Faith (his wife and my mom’s younger sister) started dating Mark when I was around five or six years old…this means that I’ve basically had Mark in my life for as long as I can remember. Obviously we spent all of the holidays together, but we did so much more too. As a younger child, I used to always spend a week in Virginia with my mom’s parents. Whenever I was there, I knew I’d really be spending most of my time with Mark and Faith. I thought they were so cool. When they were just dating, my aunt and I would go visit Mark at work and take him lunch. I was the flower girl in their wedding when I was in second grade (and in true younger Jennifer fashion, I totally acted like a brat when it came to time take the pictures…at least I made it through the ceremony before acting out…) After they got married, we’d hang out at their house and play Nintendo after my grandparents went to bed. We really liked playing Mario, Rad Racer, and for some reason Jack Nicklaus golf. When I got a little older, we would always head to an amusement park when I was visiting. We normally went to King’s Dominion because it was so close to my grandparent’s house, but I remember one time we went to Busch Gardens. That was such an awesome trip. I think our car ride there was half the fun. Mark had a really great time doing impressions of all the people on the road that were from Ohio…he did a great Ohio accent…I’ve wanted to go back ever since, but never have. Mark would always ride whatever ride I wanted to…I’m not quite sure if he was just being nice, or if he was finally glad to have someone to ride rides with. We loved to play horse and football in the yard. Mark always had a way of making me feel like I was really great at football, even though I was just a girl…He had this awesome dog name P.D. (short for Puppy Dog…you may see now where I got the creative name for my cat…Kitty…). P.D. would always play football with us too…it was so fun. We’d play homerun derby sometimes and P.D. was definitely a great asset because he’d always go fetch the ball. I remember that Mark used to let me drive his truck…even though I was only in the fifth grade...I knew every time I went to my grandparent’s house I would be able to have a couple of driving lessons too. The first time he ever let me drive on the road was when I was 13…It didn’t really go so well, I remember getting pretty close the yellow line and then getting really scared. We had to pull over and switch places because I got so freaked out. We would take random trips to the dump from time to time. I think I mainly went because I knew we'd stop and get ice cream on the way home. He saved my "life" at my Aunt Ollie's funeral...it's a long story...He was probably the only person I’d ever let call me Jenni-poo. He was the first person to ever sing this random song that goes something like “Jennifer….Juniper….”…I’ve never actually heard the song before and I don’t think I want to now…It might erase his voice singing it. Unfortunately, once I started to get older, things seemed to change a little…we definitely weren’t as close as we used to be, but it was always really good to see him and catch up whenever we had the chance. I guess it’s true…”You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…”
Rest in peace Mark…you will be missed…
~Blevins - out...
On Wednesday, February 4, my mom and my sister both called me after school. I knew immediately that something must be going on if both of them were calling back to back. In true “Jennifer” fashion, my cell phone was out of battery power, so I had to wait until I got in my car to call them back (so I could plug in my phone). Lindsay was the first person I got a hold of…she tells me, “I have some really bad news…” Of course, whenever you hear something like that, your mind starts racing. I’ve had these type of phone calls before…”Your dad’s in the emergency room with chest pains (aka two close proximity heart attacks)”…”Just wanted to let you know your Grandaddy’s in the hospital (aka he has a bleeding ulcer and will need multiple blood transfusions)”…”Your Grandma is going to be in the hospital for a while (aka she has a rare heart virus called endocarditis)”…None of these “bad” conversations began with the words “I have some bad news…” so, obviously, I’m freaking out. Then my sister asked me what I was doing. I told her I was in the car on my way home and she asked me if I wanted to call her back when I got home…To this I promptly said “Um…no…You need to tell me whatever it is now.” Lindsay went on to tell me that my uncle was found dead in his apartment…You could have knocked me over with a feather…to say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean, he’s my uncle Mark. He’s not even that old (47)…how could he be dead…
Fast forward a few days…due to somewhat strange circumstances given his time of death and when he was actually found, it was difficult to get his body ready for burial…more than a week after his death, we had his funeral…definitely one of the saddest days I’ve experienced…just thinking about his girls and how they’re going to miss out on some of their best daddy years just made me really sad for them…not to mention his boys who are missing out on a really great pal…
Well, he was placed in his grave today, February 13, the day before Valentine’s Day. We still don’t really know what happened…it looks like we never will…I guess mysteries still do exist…
Now to my original quote at the start of this blog, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” Given this abrupt end to the life of my uncle Mark, I have had the occasion over the past few days to remember so much about him—things that I haven’t really thought about for a long time. You see, my aunt Faith (his wife and my mom’s younger sister) started dating Mark when I was around five or six years old…this means that I’ve basically had Mark in my life for as long as I can remember. Obviously we spent all of the holidays together, but we did so much more too. As a younger child, I used to always spend a week in Virginia with my mom’s parents. Whenever I was there, I knew I’d really be spending most of my time with Mark and Faith. I thought they were so cool. When they were just dating, my aunt and I would go visit Mark at work and take him lunch. I was the flower girl in their wedding when I was in second grade (and in true younger Jennifer fashion, I totally acted like a brat when it came to time take the pictures…at least I made it through the ceremony before acting out…) After they got married, we’d hang out at their house and play Nintendo after my grandparents went to bed. We really liked playing Mario, Rad Racer, and for some reason Jack Nicklaus golf. When I got a little older, we would always head to an amusement park when I was visiting. We normally went to King’s Dominion because it was so close to my grandparent’s house, but I remember one time we went to Busch Gardens. That was such an awesome trip. I think our car ride there was half the fun. Mark had a really great time doing impressions of all the people on the road that were from Ohio…he did a great Ohio accent…I’ve wanted to go back ever since, but never have. Mark would always ride whatever ride I wanted to…I’m not quite sure if he was just being nice, or if he was finally glad to have someone to ride rides with. We loved to play horse and football in the yard. Mark always had a way of making me feel like I was really great at football, even though I was just a girl…He had this awesome dog name P.D. (short for Puppy Dog…you may see now where I got the creative name for my cat…Kitty…). P.D. would always play football with us too…it was so fun. We’d play homerun derby sometimes and P.D. was definitely a great asset because he’d always go fetch the ball. I remember that Mark used to let me drive his truck…even though I was only in the fifth grade...I knew every time I went to my grandparent’s house I would be able to have a couple of driving lessons too. The first time he ever let me drive on the road was when I was 13…It didn’t really go so well, I remember getting pretty close the yellow line and then getting really scared. We had to pull over and switch places because I got so freaked out. We would take random trips to the dump from time to time. I think I mainly went because I knew we'd stop and get ice cream on the way home. He saved my "life" at my Aunt Ollie's funeral...it's a long story...He was probably the only person I’d ever let call me Jenni-poo. He was the first person to ever sing this random song that goes something like “Jennifer….Juniper….”…I’ve never actually heard the song before and I don’t think I want to now…It might erase his voice singing it. Unfortunately, once I started to get older, things seemed to change a little…we definitely weren’t as close as we used to be, but it was always really good to see him and catch up whenever we had the chance. I guess it’s true…”You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…”
Rest in peace Mark…you will be missed…
~Blevins - out...
long time...no blog...long blog...
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So, I totally don't know what my problem is...I swore I'd blog more often...even thought about it during Christmas break, but did I do it...nope...I'm a total looser...
HOWEVER...here it is…
On Facebook, there's this new trend to list "25 Random Things" about yourself...to my amusement, it was even mentioned on the radio (Mix 106.5) yesterday morning...It is quite fun to do actually. You can take it one of two ways...you can either just list things that you think might be interesting or unique about yourself, or you can just be...to put in a word...random. I went the, "I'm trying to let people in on who I really am" route...I'm not so sure I'm really glad that I did this because more people read it than I had planned, but I've learned something pretty revealing in the process.
I'll start by posting my "25 Random Things" in case, you haven't read them (although I'm keenly aware that the five people who may possibly stumble on to my blog are also my friends on Facebook so they've most definitely already read them...but you know...just in case...)
1. I want to make my life count...I want to live for God's glory and nothing else...I want everything I say and do to speak of how great God is...
2. I absolutely adore my family...in-laws included...they are some of the best people I know...
3. I really like old movies and old tv shows...Casablanca is probably one of my favorite movies of all time and I could (and have) literally watch I Love Lucy all day...
4. I love to read...I 'll pretty much read just about anything you put in front of me...I'm sad that I don't have more time to devote to this love of mine...I also love sports too and I'm sad I don't have enough time to devote to playing them...
5. My great-grandfather was a minister, my grandfather was a minister, my father is a minister, and my husband is a children's minister...go figure...I swore I would never marry a minister and Nick wasn't one we got married...Lesson learned...never say never to God...he'll change it everytime...
6. I would really love to get my Master's...but, I don't necessarily think I'll be a teacher my whole life...
7. I prefer taking a bath (or if you're an Ainsworth, a tub...:D) over a shower...maybe that's because I have a pretty sweet jacuzzi tub...
8. I really really love music...I like to sing...I literally sing all the time...and not always real songs...most of them I make up...when I'm in the car with Nick (especially on long trips) I can sing the whole trip (he's a saint for putting up with me sometimes)...I would really love to trade places with Christy Nockels...she's amazing...
9. I hate surprises/surprise parties and "showers"...close friends need to note this in case I ever have a baby...which leads me to number ten...
10. I am terrified to have children and am totally bipolar about it...one day I'll see a cute little baby and think...hmm...I'd like one of those...then I see some kid "acting a fool" and I think, heck no, I never want a kid...it's like a total roller coaster for me...I assume eventually I'll know when I'm ready, but I'm not getting any younger...which leads me to number eleven...
11. I don't really like birthdays...I'd prefer to pretend like they don't occur...I'm really not good with getting older...I can't even imagine what 2012 will be like for me...
12. I am pretty shy...I'm not that great at meeting new people and it takes me a while to warm up to others...I'm friendly, but not an open book...sometimes this can be interpreted as being rude or standoff-ish...I'm just not one for small talk...if I don't have anything to say, then I just don't say anything...
13. I love serving others...but really don't like to be served (unless it's by Nick...lol)...it makes me really uncomfortable...
14. Speaking of uncomfortable...conflict makes me want to barf...I hate fights/arguments...anytime I get "yelled at" it makes me want to cry...I am sooo non-confrontational...
15. I have really low self-esteem...(maybe this "random list" shouldn't be so deep...)
16. Some of my favorites...color-pink, food-cheeseburgers and chicken fingers, word-chicken and poop (but not chicken poop), city-Atlanta, GA
17. I had to do a separate list of favorite tv shows...I don't really watch all that much tv except on the weekends...I'll do "old shows" and "current shows"...Old - Friends, Saved By the Bell, Everybody Loves Raymond, Mad About You, the Sopranos...Current - 24!!!!, Heroes, NCIS and I'm thinking I'm starting to really like House...
18. This may not be all that "random," but I absolutely LOVE Spongebob Squarepants...I'd say this is random simply because I'm 26 and love Spongebob, but I really like all cartoons for the most part...on the weekends I typically keep it on Nickelodeon all day...
19. I have this thing for "mob" storylines...whether it's a movie or a tv show, if it's got thugs and mobsters, I'm in...
20. I don't use foul language...ever...not even when I'm mad...I have been known to say "I could cuss..." but in all honesty, I wouldn't know what to say if I had to cuss...
21. I've never smoked or had an alcoholic beverage (or done drugs...)...I am truly a prude, even though I try really hard not to be...I don't really think there's anything wrong with either...well, smoking's really bad because it causes cancer, but drinking causes cirrhosis of the liver and sometimes bad decisions, so...who knows...I guess nothing's all that safe...I'm sure the food I eat is probably just as bad for me as drinking or smoking...(now this is totally random...)
22. I really HATE coffee...the smell, the taste...if there's even the slightest hint of coffee taste I gag...gingerale also makes me gag...instantly...
23. I have this big dream to do something really awesome with my life, but I don't know what it is...this is a terribly frustrating feeling...speaking of being frustrated...
24. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with God...I feel like He gave me all of these random semi-talents and interests, but there's nothing that I'm really really great at...you know what I mean???...some people are awesome artists and you look at them and think...wow, they were born to do that...other people are amazing speakers and you think...it's amazing how God uses them...I sooo wish I was one of those people...btw...I think Nick is the only person who knows this about me...It's really not about jealousy...it's about wanting to contribute in a specific way to the world...and not missing my purpose...
25. I like acting and don't mind being in front of crowds as long as I'm being a "character"...I am terrified of adults and would rather just hang out with kids...
Now, I could definitely come up with many random things about myself, because, truth be told, I am a very random person. But...Nick noticed something quite interesting about the comments I received on my list...almost everyone commented about number 24...I'll re-copy it here if you chose to skim past my list (which in all honesty, I would have done if I were reading this...)
24. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with God...I feel like He gave me all of these random semi-talents and interests, but there's nothing that I'm really really great at...you know what I mean???...some people are awesome artists and you look at them and think...wow, they were born to do that...other people are amazing speakers and you think...it's amazing how God uses them...I sooo wish I was one of those people...btw...I think Nick is the only person who knows this about me...It's really not about jealousy...it's about wanting to contribute in a specific way to the world...and not missing my purpose...
For some reason, this struck a chord with people. Of course, Nick thought automatically that if so many people feel the same way, then the local church should address this and give people direction about it....
My thoughts about it are a little different than his. I think that (this is me personally here...not those who commented on my blog) it is extremely difficult to know if you're doing what God wants you to do. It's not like the Old Testament where He'd actually talk to people, or at least send angels to talk to people (which yes, I know He did in the New Testament too...just not as much). I think people really do want to follow God's plan, but it can't be done by following certain steps, or maybe they (I) don't think that they're good enough to do what God wants them to do. Now, I know I have really really low self esteem (see #15), but it seems to me that God should make it a little easier to find your gifts and your purpose. Wouldn't that make the world a better place after all?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing God for how He's chosen to do things...who am I to say anything about it at all actually...but it is a little puzzling, you know? I kinda think that the journey to find what you're meant to do is basically the whole deal--that as you are on your way to find God's place for you, you get to know Him and His character even better. You get a heart that beats like His, that breaks like His, that loves like His. You get a mind that thinks like His, that sees the bigger picture, that knows this life is not the end by any means. You get hands and feet like His, that go and do the things that no one else would or could do....
This leads me to the frustration...I get all this...I get the fact that in order to be more like God, I need to spend more time with Him, in His Word, with people who also want to be more like Him. Unfortunately, I'm also aware that I only have a limited amount of time on this earth (as much as I try to pretend that is not the case). I feel like I don't have time to wait around anymore. I want to know what God wants me to do and I want to know now (typing this, I'm totally feeling like the prodigal son who wanted his inheritance now...that's a little unsettling...perhaps I'll address that in another blog--that is if I ever remember to blog again...). So, I guess I'm stuck--which totally stinks. I am the kind of person who is very cautious about taking big steps. The kind of person who would need to know up front if the step I was taking was really in God's plan. The kind of person whose fear of failure and rejection can totally block out what God may or may not want to be doing in the world. Is that what it takes to be great in God's eyes? Reckless abandon...an undaunting ability to follow whatever they believe God is calling them to do?
Obviously I know the answer to this question is yes...of course it is. But, what does that mean for me, what does that mean for people who agree with #24? Giving up the illusion of control is possibly too great. I don't know. It's scary because it's not just me that I'm giving up in reckless abandon to God...It's my family and my friends. It's everything I am and care about...and that's tough. But, is it too tough? Wouldn't it be worth it? I would think so...but what if I was wrong...what if what I thought God wanted me to do was so far from what He was actually thinking and planning? And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the "giftedness" problem and what mine are...ugh...it really would be easier if God made me amazingly awesome at something...I'm not asking for an endless list of talents and abilities...I'm just asking for one...one thing that I am really really great at, so that I'll know that was what God wants me to invest my time in...Here I am saying this, but really, if I only had just one thing that I was talented in, I mean really talented in, what are the odds that I would use it? I kinda think I'd be like the wicked servant in Jesus' parable and just burry it away. I'd hope not...
But maybe, just maybe, we all have lots of talents, and we just don't know it. Maybe these semi-talents of which I speak are really what we're supposed to be developing. I mean, nothing really great comes without some kind of price...right? Even our "free gift" of eternal life had it's price...not to us, but to the one who loved us so much to die...for us...And that's the point...that's why I want to contribute so badly...to show God it wasn't for nothing...it was worth it...it's all worth it...
HOWEVER...here it is…
On Facebook, there's this new trend to list "25 Random Things" about yourself...to my amusement, it was even mentioned on the radio (Mix 106.5) yesterday morning...It is quite fun to do actually. You can take it one of two ways...you can either just list things that you think might be interesting or unique about yourself, or you can just be...to put in a word...random. I went the, "I'm trying to let people in on who I really am" route...I'm not so sure I'm really glad that I did this because more people read it than I had planned, but I've learned something pretty revealing in the process.
I'll start by posting my "25 Random Things" in case, you haven't read them (although I'm keenly aware that the five people who may possibly stumble on to my blog are also my friends on Facebook so they've most definitely already read them...but you know...just in case...)
1. I want to make my life count...I want to live for God's glory and nothing else...I want everything I say and do to speak of how great God is...
2. I absolutely adore my family...in-laws included...they are some of the best people I know...
3. I really like old movies and old tv shows...Casablanca is probably one of my favorite movies of all time and I could (and have) literally watch I Love Lucy all day...
4. I love to read...I 'll pretty much read just about anything you put in front of me...I'm sad that I don't have more time to devote to this love of mine...I also love sports too and I'm sad I don't have enough time to devote to playing them...
5. My great-grandfather was a minister, my grandfather was a minister, my father is a minister, and my husband is a children's minister...go figure...I swore I would never marry a minister and Nick wasn't one we got married...Lesson learned...never say never to God...he'll change it everytime...
6. I would really love to get my Master's...but, I don't necessarily think I'll be a teacher my whole life...
7. I prefer taking a bath (or if you're an Ainsworth, a tub...:D) over a shower...maybe that's because I have a pretty sweet jacuzzi tub...
8. I really really love music...I like to sing...I literally sing all the time...and not always real songs...most of them I make up...when I'm in the car with Nick (especially on long trips) I can sing the whole trip (he's a saint for putting up with me sometimes)...I would really love to trade places with Christy Nockels...she's amazing...
9. I hate surprises/surprise parties and "showers"...close friends need to note this in case I ever have a baby...which leads me to number ten...
10. I am terrified to have children and am totally bipolar about it...one day I'll see a cute little baby and think...hmm...I'd like one of those...then I see some kid "acting a fool" and I think, heck no, I never want a kid...it's like a total roller coaster for me...I assume eventually I'll know when I'm ready, but I'm not getting any younger...which leads me to number eleven...
11. I don't really like birthdays...I'd prefer to pretend like they don't occur...I'm really not good with getting older...I can't even imagine what 2012 will be like for me...
12. I am pretty shy...I'm not that great at meeting new people and it takes me a while to warm up to others...I'm friendly, but not an open book...sometimes this can be interpreted as being rude or standoff-ish...I'm just not one for small talk...if I don't have anything to say, then I just don't say anything...
13. I love serving others...but really don't like to be served (unless it's by Nick...lol)...it makes me really uncomfortable...
14. Speaking of uncomfortable...conflict makes me want to barf...I hate fights/arguments...anytime I get "yelled at" it makes me want to cry...I am sooo non-confrontational...
15. I have really low self-esteem...(maybe this "random list" shouldn't be so deep...)
16. Some of my favorites...color-pink, food-cheeseburgers and chicken fingers, word-chicken and poop (but not chicken poop), city-Atlanta, GA
17. I had to do a separate list of favorite tv shows...I don't really watch all that much tv except on the weekends...I'll do "old shows" and "current shows"...Old - Friends, Saved By the Bell, Everybody Loves Raymond, Mad About You, the Sopranos...Current - 24!!!!, Heroes, NCIS and I'm thinking I'm starting to really like House...
18. This may not be all that "random," but I absolutely LOVE Spongebob Squarepants...I'd say this is random simply because I'm 26 and love Spongebob, but I really like all cartoons for the most part...on the weekends I typically keep it on Nickelodeon all day...
19. I have this thing for "mob" storylines...whether it's a movie or a tv show, if it's got thugs and mobsters, I'm in...
20. I don't use foul language...ever...not even when I'm mad...I have been known to say "I could cuss..." but in all honesty, I wouldn't know what to say if I had to cuss...
21. I've never smoked or had an alcoholic beverage (or done drugs...)...I am truly a prude, even though I try really hard not to be...I don't really think there's anything wrong with either...well, smoking's really bad because it causes cancer, but drinking causes cirrhosis of the liver and sometimes bad decisions, so...who knows...I guess nothing's all that safe...I'm sure the food I eat is probably just as bad for me as drinking or smoking...(now this is totally random...)
22. I really HATE coffee...the smell, the taste...if there's even the slightest hint of coffee taste I gag...gingerale also makes me gag...instantly...
23. I have this big dream to do something really awesome with my life, but I don't know what it is...this is a terribly frustrating feeling...speaking of being frustrated...
24. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with God...I feel like He gave me all of these random semi-talents and interests, but there's nothing that I'm really really great at...you know what I mean???...some people are awesome artists and you look at them and think...wow, they were born to do that...other people are amazing speakers and you think...it's amazing how God uses them...I sooo wish I was one of those people...btw...I think Nick is the only person who knows this about me...It's really not about jealousy...it's about wanting to contribute in a specific way to the world...and not missing my purpose...
25. I like acting and don't mind being in front of crowds as long as I'm being a "character"...I am terrified of adults and would rather just hang out with kids...
Now, I could definitely come up with many random things about myself, because, truth be told, I am a very random person. But...Nick noticed something quite interesting about the comments I received on my list...almost everyone commented about number 24...I'll re-copy it here if you chose to skim past my list (which in all honesty, I would have done if I were reading this...)
24. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with God...I feel like He gave me all of these random semi-talents and interests, but there's nothing that I'm really really great at...you know what I mean???...some people are awesome artists and you look at them and think...wow, they were born to do that...other people are amazing speakers and you think...it's amazing how God uses them...I sooo wish I was one of those people...btw...I think Nick is the only person who knows this about me...It's really not about jealousy...it's about wanting to contribute in a specific way to the world...and not missing my purpose...
For some reason, this struck a chord with people. Of course, Nick thought automatically that if so many people feel the same way, then the local church should address this and give people direction about it....
My thoughts about it are a little different than his. I think that (this is me personally here...not those who commented on my blog) it is extremely difficult to know if you're doing what God wants you to do. It's not like the Old Testament where He'd actually talk to people, or at least send angels to talk to people (which yes, I know He did in the New Testament too...just not as much). I think people really do want to follow God's plan, but it can't be done by following certain steps, or maybe they (I) don't think that they're good enough to do what God wants them to do. Now, I know I have really really low self esteem (see #15), but it seems to me that God should make it a little easier to find your gifts and your purpose. Wouldn't that make the world a better place after all?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing God for how He's chosen to do things...who am I to say anything about it at all actually...but it is a little puzzling, you know? I kinda think that the journey to find what you're meant to do is basically the whole deal--that as you are on your way to find God's place for you, you get to know Him and His character even better. You get a heart that beats like His, that breaks like His, that loves like His. You get a mind that thinks like His, that sees the bigger picture, that knows this life is not the end by any means. You get hands and feet like His, that go and do the things that no one else would or could do....
This leads me to the frustration...I get all this...I get the fact that in order to be more like God, I need to spend more time with Him, in His Word, with people who also want to be more like Him. Unfortunately, I'm also aware that I only have a limited amount of time on this earth (as much as I try to pretend that is not the case). I feel like I don't have time to wait around anymore. I want to know what God wants me to do and I want to know now (typing this, I'm totally feeling like the prodigal son who wanted his inheritance now...that's a little unsettling...perhaps I'll address that in another blog--that is if I ever remember to blog again...). So, I guess I'm stuck--which totally stinks. I am the kind of person who is very cautious about taking big steps. The kind of person who would need to know up front if the step I was taking was really in God's plan. The kind of person whose fear of failure and rejection can totally block out what God may or may not want to be doing in the world. Is that what it takes to be great in God's eyes? Reckless abandon...an undaunting ability to follow whatever they believe God is calling them to do?
Obviously I know the answer to this question is yes...of course it is. But, what does that mean for me, what does that mean for people who agree with #24? Giving up the illusion of control is possibly too great. I don't know. It's scary because it's not just me that I'm giving up in reckless abandon to God...It's my family and my friends. It's everything I am and care about...and that's tough. But, is it too tough? Wouldn't it be worth it? I would think so...but what if I was wrong...what if what I thought God wanted me to do was so far from what He was actually thinking and planning? And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the "giftedness" problem and what mine are...ugh...it really would be easier if God made me amazingly awesome at something...I'm not asking for an endless list of talents and abilities...I'm just asking for one...one thing that I am really really great at, so that I'll know that was what God wants me to invest my time in...Here I am saying this, but really, if I only had just one thing that I was talented in, I mean really talented in, what are the odds that I would use it? I kinda think I'd be like the wicked servant in Jesus' parable and just burry it away. I'd hope not...
But maybe, just maybe, we all have lots of talents, and we just don't know it. Maybe these semi-talents of which I speak are really what we're supposed to be developing. I mean, nothing really great comes without some kind of price...right? Even our "free gift" of eternal life had it's price...not to us, but to the one who loved us so much to die...for us...And that's the point...that's why I want to contribute so badly...to show God it wasn't for nothing...it was worth it...it's all worth it...
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