Three things tonight...
1. MY class was great while I was away which earned them a little extra recess today from me. On the other hand, the other class who comes to me during the day for Math and Science...not-so-much...That was sad to hear, but the problem had all been settled before I returned from Hot-lanta, so I'm good. I had enough leftover sub plans to not really have to worry about today or tomorrow from a planning standpoint so I'm pretty happy about all of that...
2. WOW, I so did not know my lines as well as I thought I did at Kidstuf practice tonight. I felt like such a loser and like I was wasting everyone's time. I was feeling better about it all by the time we left, but it doesn't change the fact that I hated not being prepared...lesson learned there...
3. I've had some pretty lengthy email discussions today and they've been pretty fun...If you're reading this, you most likely know that I'm rarely a "take things seriously" kind of person. I'd much rather goof off and not be serious...ever...but prehaps this is not always best. I typically don't share my deeper thoughts (this blog not-with-standing) and my email correspondent for the day strongly encouraged me to take steps to be ready and willing to share my feelings. This really got me thinking about why I don't share much. It's not a personal thing against anyone. I mean, I don't really even tell Nick much either and he's my hubby... I think it's possibly because I have this deep down fear that if people knew many things about who I really am, then I'm less in control. For the most part, control is a big issue for me in many areas of my life. Not that I want to be in charge of everything, but more like I always want to be in charge of me. This is probably one of the main reasons why I'll never get drunk...the idea of not knowing what I'm doing totally freaks me out... Perhaps this is because I spent much of my childhood being controlled, all of my actions, decisions, and to a certain extent even my thoughts, were controlled by others. I never wanted to step out of line or do anything that was contradictory of what was expected of me, therefore, I had no real control over what I did. Don't get me wrong...I love that way I was raised. I don't regret not having very much freedom or anything like that because instead I was given a firm foundation that taught me the importance of family and commitment. A great thing about staying pretty grounded as a child/young adult is that I don't really have any regrets. But, I digress...all this is to say that basically, I don't know why I don't talk about my feelings much. I more than happy to write about them and honestly, I'm much more open when I don't have to look into anyone's eyes when I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings...anywho...this is enough spilling my guts for now...I'm totally finished...and now I'm going to bed...
~Blevins - out!
Musings Part Deux
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Soooo....here I am at Drive and I totally feel like I'm just playing the supportive wife role here. I can't say that I've had any ground breaking moments whatsoever...I have enjoyed hanging out and I have had a few things confirmed in my life, but that's about it.
I'm sure you're all wondering, "what has been confirmed in Jennifer's life this week?" Well, wonder no more, because I will tell you now! The first is that I'm so totally not a leader. I like to think (quietly in the back corner of my mind where no one can hear me) that I would be a good leader, someone others would want to follow, but the truth is, I just don't have it. I don't have that charisma, that aura that craves the attention of other people, that drive to be in charge...of anything. I am more than happy with someone telling me what to do, and then doing it. I may mumble under my breath that what I'm told to do doesn't necessarily make sense, but I'll still do what I'm told.
The second confirmation in my life is somewhat more ambiguous. I've semi had this major life decision running through the background of my life for a while now. I would honestly say since Nick and I went through the Church Planter Assessment Center (CPAC), this has been something that has stayed in my radar...Let me start by saying, I am and never have been against this "step" in my life. I just don't think we're "there" yet. I found out today, for sure, that we are so far away from being "there," that it's not even funny. I'd rather not divulge too much confidential information, but we'll just say that we don't have one million dollars and if it were up to Nick asking people to raise one million dollars, I wonder if it would ever happen. There was another reason I felt confirmed in this decision, however, at this particular moment, I cannot remember it. I think it has something to do with mentoring, but i have no clue. Anywho, my answer/feelings about this topic still have not changed...plus, I'm starting to gain solace in the fact that I am in good company with many other wives...I'll just leave it at that...
Welp, it's well past my bedtime so I'd better get...I promised someone I'd blog tonight, so I did. I'm too tired to go back and re-read this, so who knows what it sounds like or if it even makes sense...
~Blevins out!
I'm sure you're all wondering, "what has been confirmed in Jennifer's life this week?" Well, wonder no more, because I will tell you now! The first is that I'm so totally not a leader. I like to think (quietly in the back corner of my mind where no one can hear me) that I would be a good leader, someone others would want to follow, but the truth is, I just don't have it. I don't have that charisma, that aura that craves the attention of other people, that drive to be in charge...of anything. I am more than happy with someone telling me what to do, and then doing it. I may mumble under my breath that what I'm told to do doesn't necessarily make sense, but I'll still do what I'm told.
The second confirmation in my life is somewhat more ambiguous. I've semi had this major life decision running through the background of my life for a while now. I would honestly say since Nick and I went through the Church Planter Assessment Center (CPAC), this has been something that has stayed in my radar...Let me start by saying, I am and never have been against this "step" in my life. I just don't think we're "there" yet. I found out today, for sure, that we are so far away from being "there," that it's not even funny. I'd rather not divulge too much confidential information, but we'll just say that we don't have one million dollars and if it were up to Nick asking people to raise one million dollars, I wonder if it would ever happen. There was another reason I felt confirmed in this decision, however, at this particular moment, I cannot remember it. I think it has something to do with mentoring, but i have no clue. Anywho, my answer/feelings about this topic still have not changed...plus, I'm starting to gain solace in the fact that I am in good company with many other wives...I'll just leave it at that...
Welp, it's well past my bedtime so I'd better get...I promised someone I'd blog tonight, so I did. I'm too tired to go back and re-read this, so who knows what it sounds like or if it even makes sense...
~Blevins out!
Atlanta and Other Musings...
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Well, I'm in Atlanta, GA right now. I truly love ATL...I think if I ever convinced Nick to move, it would definitely be down here to the peach state. I'm not sure why I love it so much. Maybe it reminds me of simpler times, a slower pace of life, gentility, comfort? Who knows...
I guess I'm finally excited about going to the Drive Conference tonight (and the next two days). I must say that these type of events are not something that get me fired up or anything. I know my husband loves them and he (and being in Atlanta) are really the only reasons I'm here right now. Lord knows I hate making sub plans and it was almost the death of me, but I'd do anything to make my hubby happy (except having a child in the next year or two...). I think one of the reasons why I'm conflicted about being here is that it always challenges my status quo. There are times when you experience events and moments that change who you are and how you look at things...perhaps I didn't really want to come because I know deep down that this will be one of those moments...Nick is somewhat of a restless soul. He reminds me of my dad in this way. He's always looking for the next thing, the next challenge, the next step...I, however, am perfectly content to stay where I am. When I finally get happy/comfortable, I don't want anything to change. I am never looking for the next step because I am happy with my current step. I'm sure many people have no idea what I'm rambling on about, but what better place to ramble on about things that are on my mind than my blog?! (Keeping in mind that I can only think of about three people who even read this thing)
Sometimes, I just wish I could see things how God sees things...this may seem totally random and out of the blue, but my earlier comments have gotten me to start thinking in "what if's." (...which I love/hate to do...) What if God wants me to do this, be here, say that, take this chance, make that change, be bold and courageous?....in other words...just trust Him more. It's just so hard to know what God is thinking...planning...urging...All I do know is, is that he's constantly loving. Even when I drag my feet, have a tantrum, live in a conundrum of self-doubt and fear...he's still loving me. I often wonder, what does God think about me when I say...no way, I'd never do that...or when I say, I'm too scared to take that risk? Is he saying...yep, that's Jennifer...I wish she'd just trust me...why does she constantly doubt my love and my plan? or does he just laugh and say...will she ever learn? This is why I say, wouldn't it be nice to just put on God's shades for five seconds and take a look at my life through them. What a great way to get things into perspective? Would I look at my right here and now, would I look at my future, would I look at my past? It's an interesting question I think...maybe I'll get some answers this week...if I do, I'm sure it won't be the answers I want to hear, so I'll probably ignore them...Oh what is God going to do with me?
~Blevins - out!
I guess I'm finally excited about going to the Drive Conference tonight (and the next two days). I must say that these type of events are not something that get me fired up or anything. I know my husband loves them and he (and being in Atlanta) are really the only reasons I'm here right now. Lord knows I hate making sub plans and it was almost the death of me, but I'd do anything to make my hubby happy (except having a child in the next year or two...). I think one of the reasons why I'm conflicted about being here is that it always challenges my status quo. There are times when you experience events and moments that change who you are and how you look at things...perhaps I didn't really want to come because I know deep down that this will be one of those moments...Nick is somewhat of a restless soul. He reminds me of my dad in this way. He's always looking for the next thing, the next challenge, the next step...I, however, am perfectly content to stay where I am. When I finally get happy/comfortable, I don't want anything to change. I am never looking for the next step because I am happy with my current step. I'm sure many people have no idea what I'm rambling on about, but what better place to ramble on about things that are on my mind than my blog?! (Keeping in mind that I can only think of about three people who even read this thing)
Sometimes, I just wish I could see things how God sees things...this may seem totally random and out of the blue, but my earlier comments have gotten me to start thinking in "what if's." (...which I love/hate to do...) What if God wants me to do this, be here, say that, take this chance, make that change, be bold and courageous?....in other words...just trust Him more. It's just so hard to know what God is thinking...planning...urging...All I do know is, is that he's constantly loving. Even when I drag my feet, have a tantrum, live in a conundrum of self-doubt and fear...he's still loving me. I often wonder, what does God think about me when I say...no way, I'd never do that...or when I say, I'm too scared to take that risk? Is he saying...yep, that's Jennifer...I wish she'd just trust me...why does she constantly doubt my love and my plan? or does he just laugh and say...will she ever learn? This is why I say, wouldn't it be nice to just put on God's shades for five seconds and take a look at my life through them. What a great way to get things into perspective? Would I look at my right here and now, would I look at my future, would I look at my past? It's an interesting question I think...maybe I'll get some answers this week...if I do, I'm sure it won't be the answers I want to hear, so I'll probably ignore them...Oh what is God going to do with me?
~Blevins - out!
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